I think I take my sisters for granted.
I rarely ever think about how lucky I am to have them. My dad may not have accomplished much in his short and sad lifetime, but he did something amazing for the three of us. He gave us each a gift. Two sisters for me and me for them. A greater gift, I can't imagine. I'm lucky to have them around, to have them in my life, and to actually like them! I mean, I know most people love their families, but my sisters and I are actually friends. Luckier still, they are both with great guys who get along with each other and are like brothers to me. This will be the core of my family forever, as new babies and new marriages come and as my grandparents and parents go.
I have to say-- it's a great home base. I trust it completely.
Sometimes I feel strange because in some ways my sisters are more similar to each other than they are to me. I've always been the "sensitive one," the "dramatic one," and the "secretive one." I've always been the "weird-artistic one," the "intellectual one," the "self-destructive one" that no one could make head or tail of. And I know that whatever guy I end up with, he will probably not "fit in" with Bro-in-Law and JBC as perfectly as they fit with each other. But that's okay... Because it is. And it has to be. And it doesn't change a thing.
I was having a pretty awful day today. I went into famine/work mode (major Jekyll-mode!) from about 5:00 pm yesterday and so I forgot to eat. (B knows me so well! When I told him how much work I had to do, all he said to me was "Please, Hyde! Just don't forget you have a body, okay?") Well, I did forget. The only fuel I offered my body over a 24 hour period was a shitload of Jack Daniels, some diet coke, a can of (sugar-free) red bull and some water. This afternoon I was woozy from the lack of food, lack of sleep and all of the reading and grading when at around 3:30 pm I stumbled back into my office to post the first round of semester grades. But when I went to check my email, I was met with a treat-- my sisters had sent me two hysterical pictures from their cell phones.
They are both in Florida right now visiting my grandpa. I was supposed to go as well, but had too much work to take care of this week, having left it all only half-finished when I departed for Argentina. Anyway, it's hard to explain to anyone else why these particular pictures were so amusing. It's something that can only make sense to me and my sisters. But that's exactly why those pictures were so special... and funny. And it's why they prompted me to reflect upon how much I love those two... and my entire family.
In the first, both of my sisters are standing in my grandparents' kitchen in front of a hanging basket in the shape of a monkey. When we were babies, BigSis and I were terrified of that monkey. Then, when we were a little bit older we liked to laugh at it and would beg my aunt to chase us around the house, monkey-basket in hand. This afternoon, through a veil of exhaustion, anxiety and slight depression, there my sisters stood before me, smack in the middle of my computer screen, the monkey lurking and my sisters shaking in their boots, chewing their nails, fright in their faces, laughter in their eyes.
The second picture showed Bro-in-Law and JBC next to a table lamp. We used to play with the decorative metal on that lamp when we were little, driving my grandmother absolutely crazy. In this picture, the two boys have half-embarrassed mischievous expressions on their faces as they play with the lamp.
My grandmother is gone now and so are those annual trips to Florida with my sisters, my mother's sister and my two cousins. I sometimes wish I could travel time, just to visit those days, those feelings... even if only for the day. Of course that is impossible. But there my sisters were, taking some secret thought of mine-- an image, a memory, a part of my emotional vocabulary that no one in this huge anonymous city could ever find, and saying it out loud, making it tangible, giving it back to me again.
Seeing the boys reenact memories they never had themselves reminded me of the power of family and the power of choice. I want to be with someone who can be my family. I want to be with someone I can be silly with and share those things with. I want everything to stop being so heavy and so philosophic. I want to stop making crap of my life and settling for people with whom I have no real connection.
Those pictures made me laugh. And then they made me think twice about all of the drama in my personal life that I inflate to such monumental proportions. I love my sisters. And that drama? It's meaningless. It's stupid. It's unnecessary. And it's manufactured.
Things aren't really that bad.
I mean, how can they be?
I'll always have my sisters.
:)
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